I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
