New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
