What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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