I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
