my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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