I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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