Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
