Just fell off a train. Bad.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
