seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
