Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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