I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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