Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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