plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
