I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
