I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
