Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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