It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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