Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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