i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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