Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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