my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
