In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
