Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
