you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She even gives head with a lisp.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
