he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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