The maid of honor just puked.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
