Swine flu. Run for my life!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
