Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
