Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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