I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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