even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think your dad took our porno
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
