Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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