I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
