Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
