before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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