the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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