I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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