Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
