I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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