Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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