Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
