how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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