apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
