Who did Billy Mays play for?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
