No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
