Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
