goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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