My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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