Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
