So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
