I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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