I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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